An account of the drawbacks

I would love to say I am nothing but excited about the new life that awaits me. I would love to say to all of the people who have expressed that they are jealous of me that they should be. Actually I do say that sometimes. But I want this blog to be more than just an account of the good and interesting things that happen in my life. I want it to be honest.

Here's honesty for you: I'm stressed out. Yesterday I kicked the blankets off my bed in frustration at my inability to sleep. Then I spent all morning going through my things. Old papers, letters, cds, notes, and gifts were strewn across the ping-pong table in the basement as I placed them carefully into boxes and little piles. A deep sense of nostalgia hit me as moments I had forgotten all about were re-revealed to me in shocking clarity, prompted only by a ticket stub or a scribbled note. As I sorted through fragments of my recent life, I couldn't help but feel like they all exist in an untouchable past that I will forget upon discarding or packing them all away. I felt both sad and stressed out at the same time. Maybe it is better to forget I thought.

I went to the kitchen and poured myself a cold glass of water. I sipped it and put my head down on the table. I tried to remind myself that it will all be great in a week's time. I quickly packed a few necessities and climbed in my car. I put the key in the ignition but did not turn it. Instead I looked toward the house and thought about how much I would love to go back inside and curl up on the living room couch and fall asleep. I clenched my teeth, and for a moment, closed my eyes. I turned the key. Then I drove 250 miles without stopping.At noon I realized that I had not eaten a bite since the evening before. I waited for hunger to find me but it didn't. At 2pm, I revisited the idea of eating something. How is it that I am not hungry? I wondered. I felt a little bit superhuman, if that's possible. I nibbled on a plain bagel and an apple. My body felt as though it didn't care. I turned up the radio, and later I called a couple people. My mood improved markedly and I felt very relaxed.

Before I knew it, I was in Philadelphia. I had some time to kill and so I went to the mall. While I tried on some pants that didn't fit, I heard two heavy women talk for 15 minutes about different chicken sandwich combos offered at various local fast food joints. For the first time all day I couldn't wait to leave the country. Soon after, I met up with a close friend. We went out for some food and I was able to eat again. Later we went out for beer which was also quite nice.

I am now feeling much better about everything. It's amazing what my friends can do. Kindness, a thoughtful word, or a little enthusiasm from a friend go a long way for me.

Today, I am headed to Washington DC to celebrate my grandmother's 88th and my cousin's pregnancy. I think I'll listen to Sezen Aksu's album, '88, on the way down. Though the timeless Red House Painters tune, Have You Forgotten, plays in my head right now. Yes, Mr. Kozelek, I had forgotten. For a moment there.